


all this will ruin us

by salvadore



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Angst, Bitterness, Exes, M/M, POV Saïx (Kingdom Hearts), POV Third Person, Pre-Kingdom Hearts 358/2 Days, The Beginning of the End
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-04
Updated: 2019-06-04
Packaged: 2020-04-07 08:15:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19081051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/salvadore/pseuds/salvadore
Summary: Saïx doesn't know when they lost the thread. When Axel started hating him for the things he'd helped him achieve. Or when Axel's indifference started to rub him like sandpaper.





	all this will ruin us

Heat blooms across Saïx’s skin where Axel touches him. This doesn’t happen often enough now, Axel in his room, both of them vulnerable without their coats. Intimate and naked in Saïx’s bed. It feels like a shock to have that heat. As if he lives in the cold when Axel’s fingers aren’t curled around his jaw. Axel presses his thumb to Saïx’s bottom lip, dragging it down to scrape his thumb along Saïx’s teeth. The skin of Saïx’s lip is fragile, he’d bitten it during the battle, and Axel had sucked at where it split until it was tender. It stings under the pressure of Axel’s touch. But Saïx gives nothing away.

He’ll take this. He wants the imprint of Axel’s fingerprints on his skin, burned in red and bright anywhere Axel will touch him. Saïx wants something permanent that will linger.

He knows they’re closing in on when this will be over. Something in him is saying that this might be the last time. It aches in his bones, and reminds him of the growing pains of puberty. Reminds him of everything their mission has stolen from them.

Axel’s marks are smudged from the way Saïx had cradled his face when this started. He’d tried to slow Axel’s desperation down like he used to. He wanted to ease their kissing into something sweet. It had been so long since he’d let himself have this - not since before Xemnas named him second in command.

It had been a futile attempt, and Axel had shaken him off and toppled them both into bed. The pace he had wanted was clear. And if it was all Axel was offering, then Saïx was willing to give as good in return. It was, after all, familiar. He’s left Axel with a vicious, dark red bite mark on his throat, that he hopes bruises. Saïx reaches out to touch it, proud of it despite himself. Despite the risk it could mean in if the coat doesn’t conceal it. He tries to pretend that it’s not an option for Axel to take a potion and easily rid himself of it.

He barely gets the tips of his fingers on it when there’s something crossing Axel’s face. His fingers trail down, that thumb following the path of his chin and down along the curve of Saïx’s throat. Saïx swallows and it’s a dangerous feeling, his Adam’s apple bobbing under Axel’s touch.

Axel’s eyes trace the lines of Saïx’s scar. He’s done it enough for Saïx to know that’s what he’s doing. And he’s not as good a liar as he thinks. Saïx knows what he’s thinking about. They'd gone on a mission together, and Saïx had gone berserk. It wasn’t intentional. There’d been a snap, that was all. One moment he was watching Axel take care of Heartless like it was nothing, and then he’d been flying. When he’d stood up it was shaky, and he'd wiped blood from his mouth. Saïx remembers the smirk that had curled over Axel’s lips. Then he’d been saying something Saïx couldn’t hear. Something taunting, presumably. And then nothing.

Nothing until the moon’s power had left him holding himself up by his claymore. For a second, Axel had looked like Lea - all wide-eyed concern as he ran to him.

That look had re-emerged when Axel followed him back to his rooms after debreifing. As he had held Saïx's wrists loosely, but firmly against the closed door to his bedroom. There hadn't been a question of whether Saïx would turn him away. They'd both been desperate to reassure themselves that these bodies were still alive.

They’re pressed so close now in the aftermath, the air cooling the sweat on their bodies, that when Axel shifts, Saïx can feel the brush of his leg hair against his own. He gets goosebumps where there’s no sheet and no Axel to warm him. His cock gives a half-hearted effort toward arousal, but Saïx ignores it. He suspects there will be nothing sexual from here until dawn. He'll have to make do with the memories of Axel's curled fingers, and the way his mouth made Saïx's spine like liquid.

"Do you remember what it was like before?" Axel asks. It’s as quiet as he can. As if the walls will hear.

"Before?" Saïx asks, carelessly. This return to intimacy has made him soft. He's not expecting it when, instead of replying Axel says, "I can't remember what shade of blue your eyes were."

He doesn’t know what the emotion in Axel’s eyes is now. Only that it is observing, almost calculating. Not dissimilar to Xemnas’ gaze when he deigns to give out assignments himself. It moves something in Saïx where his heart should be to see that look from Axel.

He can see a future of gold eyes and pointed ears for Axel. And it leaves sawdust in his mouth.

Saïx drops his hand from Axel’s throat.

He tries to look away, unable to reply when he feels cold to his marrow and knows this is the middle. They're dead center on what was meant to be a rescue mission, and has turned into a stagnant coup. There’s no end in sight to their time as Nobodies. The thumb on his Adam’s apple reminds him it’s there. That while they're treading water outside of this room, Axel is _here_. Now. If only temporarily.

Axel brushes his thumb gently over Saïx's skin in what at any other time, any place, with any other versions of them would be tender. Saïx curls his hand into a fist and steadfastly stares back.

"What would you have me do?" Saïx asks. Tone aiming for neutral. If he holds too tight to the arm Axel is using to prop himself up above him, all the more marks to remind Axel of this night. "How would you have me change the past?"

Axel says nothing. Silence draws out between them. Saïx has nothing else to say. He lifts his chin up and waits, defiant.

Axel breaks first. He was always more impatient. His lips twist into a mirthless smile. Saïx wishes it was the first time he’s seen veiled frustration like that on his face. There’s fury there, and disappointment. And a coldness that lodges itself where Saïx’s heart should be.

"We should go to bed. Who knows what our fearless _Superior_ has planned," Axel quips. He sits back, putting space between them even as he speaks.

They're at an impasse, so they move into position in silence. Their backs to each other, with the sheets pulled over their bare bodies. They each take deep even breathes. Before they would hold each other until morning. Saïx can almost remember the way Axel would hold onto his wrist, running a comforting touch up and down his forearm as their breathing would sink up. It's been so long since then that the thought sends shivers along his arm, as if he's brought on ghost of that touch through memory alone.

If Saïx were still Somebody, he would miss the feeling of waking up to fingers combing through his hair. Or the tired crinkle to Axel’s eyes. They used to exchange fervent kisses while they dressed. Every touch intended to say what was unsafe outside of their rooms. Until they had to step outside and pretend to be indifferent.

Now they pretend that Axel will stay through the tonight.

For Saïx, it's an eternity waiting for Axel to decide he can leave. But finally the mattress shifts under him, and Saïx knows what comes next.

There’s the sound of Axel grunting as he stretches as far as he can to reach his discarded boot. The rustle of Axel putting on his clothes. The scratches Saïx left on his back disappear from sight. The shoulder Saïx pressed his face into, burying his cry as he climaxed, unwilling to let Axel see. That too is obscured by the uniform of their life in the Organization. In the morning it will be like this night never happened.

The bed is cold and he curls up to protect himself from it, moving as slow as he can while he listens to Axel. He’s careful not to shake the mattress or make a sound as he pulls his knees to his chest. He hugs himself, tucking an arm between his body and the mattress. As much as he aches to be held, he doesn't dare give away his end of the pretense.

But Axel doesn't play fair. He is unwilling to sacrifice when he wants something from Saix. He doesn't allow them to play their roles this time. His voice cuts through the darkness and quiet as he says, “I know you’re not asleep."

Words feel trapped behind Saïx's teeth, and he wishes he could say any of them. His cheeks heat with humiliation. There’s the ghost of what they used to be hanging between them in the air. When they first came here, Lea wouldn’t have turned his back to Isa. Lea would have known what was unsaid in Isa’s silences. But the only people here are Axel and Saïx. And they're unable to talk without a misunderstanding these days.

Axel asks, "Can you feel it? How much we've changed?"

Saïx squeezes his eyes shut tight until he can see lights dancing behind his eyes. Digs his nails into his palms, and wills Axel and his contrarian attitude away. He doesn’t know what Axel wants him to say, how big a fight he's trying to pick, but Saïx can’t give it to him. Not tonight.

He wonders if a Nobody should be able to miss. To long for or still feel tenderness. He can remember their first time after losing their hearts. It's a faded memory, lit more kindly by time than it should be. Their lips were too dry and they didn't know what they were doing. They were too inexperienced for it to be good. But he remembers Axel had been bright from his smile to his green eyes. Saïx thinks he must have been happy.

But he doesn't know when they lost the thread. When Axel started hating him for the things he'd helped him achieve. Or when Axel's indifference started to rub him like sandpaper.

Axel makes a sound, fed up, and attention seeking. He wants Saïx to do something before he leaves.

There’s the sound of a door opening, and the square of light illuminating his room from the hall.

"You'll have a new partner starting tomorrow," Saïx manages to say. It's through clenched teeth and shut eyes. It's not what Axel wants to hear, he knows. It won't keep him from leaving.

"Why?"

"Xemnas found number 13."

Axel says nothing to that, merely shuts the door harshly behind him. Leaving Saïx alone in the dark.

**Author's Note:**

> I told myself I wasn’t going to write Akusai break-up fic - not when they're happy and deserve epilogue compliant reconciliation fic. But I’ve been listening to a lot of Vérité while thinking about what a post-KH3 Isa would be feeling if he had Saïx's memories of being Axel's bitter ex, and then the track "Gone" dropped by Vérité. So here we are, lol. (I'd highly recommend giving the song a listen. )
> 
> Thank you for reading. Come talk to me about Akusai @markcat on tumblr


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